How Mindful Communication can Reduce the Social Distancing Gap
Many friends and dear ones have spoken to me of how unsatisfying video calls and texting, our main forms of communication in this time of pandemic, are, and that they miss the specialness and intimacy of connecting in person.
I agree.
While we ARE finding more ways of safely seeing each other in person, virtual communication IS going to make up some part of our relational life in the new normal. I think this is an important issue, because we actually need to connect with each other MORE than ever in these challenging times. I don’t know anyone who has not been riding their own personal emotional roller coaster these past months, and we know that a major remedy for this is connection with dear ones. It has been clinically proven that social connection benefits our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.
So how can we make virtual communication more satisfying?
Personally, I think it comes down to putting more conscious energy into all of our communication. I know, we are all exhausted from what 2020 has brought us so far, and the thought of putting more effort into anything can seem like waaaaay too much work, but if we can remember how satisfying it feels to make a good connection with someone, how energizing it can actually be, perhaps that can be our motivation.
We have become accustomed to texting at rapid fire speed, perhaps in order to replicate the easy, relaxed manner of how we converse when we are in person. But we are not in person, and since over 50% of communication is non-verbal, (some say our actual words only account for less than 10% of interpersonal communication) we need to find many ways of expressing fully what we want to say.
Of course emojis help, and gifs and memes, and all of that, but sometimes, there is just no substitute for learning better how to ‘use our words’, as we say to the little ones in our lives. We can learn how to better articulate ourselves, how to be more emotionally vulnerable and available to our dear ones, AND we can learn how better to LISTEN. We can bring more patience, kindness, and generosity into our conversations, so that we may actually come out of this with MORE emotional and social attunement, and that would be a wonderful thing to bring into our future.
This is not to say that it is not also important to honor our time to disconnect. There ARE times that we need to NOT talk to anyone, when we are too exhausted from Zoom calls, screen time, and in general from managing the new normal. The ones in your life who are truly dear will obviously respect your need to unplug, and can pick up where you left off, but do remember to connect with them once in a while, to let them know that you are ok - because they are also wondering how you are doing in these challenging times.
So, here are my thoughts about better texting, all learned through the humbling experience of noticing my own not-so-great tendencies:
Connect with those who are truly dear to you. While I truly believe that good connection is energy giving, rather than depleting, I do think that we need to honor our own capacity, and allow ourselves to spend time with those who are reciprocating our good vibrations. Find those dear ones with whom you can share mutual soul nurturing, and enjoy! This means that there may be people in your life that you need to give less energy to, and while that can be sad, it is also true and realistic. We need soul nourishment right now, and not soul depletion. We can always send short, sweet heartfelt notes to those outside our sphere of ‘dear ones’, but we do not need to give away our precious energy to those who do not give it back.
Slow down: While sometimes the energy of a conversation feels great when it’s coming at lightning speed, I think we would do well getting used to slowing down. When I receive a response that is considerate, that shows that my conversation partner has read what I wrote, and took the time to construct a thoughtful response, I feel valued and cared for. It inspires me to give their words the same respect and attention.
Read your conversation partner’s writing. Read it for more than just the words. Notice the nature of the words they are using, the topics that they keep coming back to, and yes, even the deeper meaning behind their emojis, in order to get a sense of how they are doing. Look for emotional clues, and, if you are not sure, ask them how they are doing. Ask them several times if you need to, so that they know they are safe to be vulnerable - that their words are being read and respected. As I said above, this is an emotional time, and so we should not necessarily accept our dear one continually telling us that they are ‘fine’. We can let them know that we really want to know how they are doing, so they do not need to give us stock answers.
Considerate responses are like little presents that we can give to our dear ones. When someone shares with us, we can ask them “Can you tell me more about that?”, or we can say “Thanks for telling me all of that, I appreciate you sharing with me”, or we can just simply say “I hear you”. We may not often feel like we have the wherewithal for listening, but we have to remember that meaningful connection gives us energy.
Respect your dear one’s time. There are times when we may need to share a lot with someone, when we need to unburden ourselves of inner turmoil. If you know this is the case, let your dear one know, by saying “I feel like I need to get some things off my mind and heart. Is there a good time when I could talk with you? I always feel better after we connect”. And then wait for the reponse. We have to practice honesty with each other, and respect each other’s time, energy, and needs. If your dear one says “I can’t talk now, but I would love to connect tomorrow”, that means exactly that.
One more time: use your words: There have been times when I felt the need to go back to a written conversation I had with a dear one, to say to them “I don’t think I was totally ‘listening’ to you when we last wrote each other. I’m sorry and I just want to let you know that I have been thinking about it, because I care about how you are doing”. This is what I mean about having the possibility of increasing our emotional attunement and vulnerability, precisely because of this challenging time we are in. We are missing a large percentage of our communication toolbox when we don’t have the body language or voice tone to express ourselves. This is a time when we can really strengthen how we use our words.
Remember that people are remembered less for what they said and did, and more for how they made the people around them feel. I have used the words respect, patience, generosity, and kind attention throughout this piece, and if we can have our dear ones feel this from us with our words, we have done a good thing. A few kind words that show you care, that you are thinking of them, can make a huge difference to that person’s day, week, and possibly life. It does not take a big effort to say “Hey I am thinking of you - hope you are doing ok”. We are more sensitive these days, so it doesn’t take many words - either positive or negative, or thoughtless, or distracted, to affect the person you are communicating with.
Again, take care of yourself and honor those days when you don’t want to talk to anyone - but don’t let too many of them happen in a row. If you don’t have the energy to give - that is more than totally understandable - but too many of these days means that you may be disconnecting - and this is not good for your mental, emotional, or physical health. Reach out to someone you trust, even if it is just to mumble. We need each other, whether we realize it or not.
Remember that you are a dear one, and take care of yourself as such.
Please see my previous blog posts on self care, mindfulness in challenging times, healthy, yummy recipes to keep your body feeling good, AND on my video page I share exercises and meditations so that all aspects of your health and well-being are tended to :)