Working (& Playing) with Fear, aka Building Courage 1 Baby Step at a Time

Courage is not the absence of fear,
but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. 

Franklin D Roosevelt

Do one thing a day that scares you.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear is such a natural & necessary emotion, inherent to all beings (including us!) and yet… we still dance around it. So many books on fear have been written: how to overcome it, how to make friends with it,  how to fight it, & how to feel it and do it anyway. And yet, we still don’t seem to be very good at embracing this very universal emotion. 

Fear is designed to keep us safe, which is a really good thing. It’s meant to be listened to BUT we were never meant to be controlled by our fear. We were designed to grow. And in that sense, fear can be one of our greatest growth teachers. When we have that familiar feeling - a tightening in our stomach, chest, or hips, or we have a difficulty in sleeping or concentrating, it may be a sign that fear is here, ready to show us something about ourselves, about some place within us that might be stuck, and that’s calling to be set free.

Now that I’m back in Buenos Aires, after spending the summer in my native Western Canada, I’m thinking about what actually got me to move from there to here 3 years ago. There were so many reasons - to experience another culture, history, & viewpoint of the world, to keep my passion for dance alive through tango, to discover new parts of myself - but a big reason I moved was because, although I was very scared to do it, I was even more scared NOT to. 

In order to leave everything - my business, family, friends, my homeland  - and move to a far away country with another language & culture, I had to breathe through a lot of fear. 

Fear of leaving the familiar & the safe. 
Fear of leaping into the unknown & the unstable. 
Fear of failure & embarrassment. 
Fear of making a big mistake & wasting a lot of my precious time & energy
(which is feeling even more precious now that I’ve just recently turned 50!)

Thankfully, this grand move was not my first experience in fear-play. Thankfully, I was already a seasoned fear-facing-practitioner. A HUGE help in this bravery-building process was cultivating a deep relationship with my intuition, my inner knowing. I’ve written about cultivating this inner treasure, our intuition, in this article here, and I highly recommend getting to know the difference between the voice of inner knowing & the voice of fear as you develop your own brave warrior within.

I’ve been researching what the experts have to say about fear, courage, & discovering our brave (but peaceful!) inner warrior and here I’m going to synthesize the points that resonated most with me, giving examples of how they played out in my own life. My hope is that this will inspire you to see examples in your own life of how courage has been growing within you, too :)

While some experts talk about overcoming, or conquering fear, I align much more with those who say that we need to make friends with it, that we need to give fear a place at the table, but not to let it take over the dinner party! To me, courage is not ignoring or bulldozing through our fear, but rather it’s being able to breathe into & actually feel our fear. This is not easy. I guess that's why it’s called bravery.

1.Baby Steps

I am definitely not a leaper into the unknown. I am a 1-tiny-step-at-a-timer. 

When I first fell in love with tango & began travelling to Buenos Aires (the birth place of tango), going to the dancehalls (aka milongas) caused a near paralyzing fear within me. I had to break the process down into baby steps. 'First I’ll just get dressed’, I’d tell myself, ‘and then if I chicken out, at least I look good!’. The next step would be walking to the milonga. I would say to myself ‘I’m going for a good walk, if nothing else. I can always turn back’. When I got there, I would unfailingly enter the hall. Once in, I’d whisper ‘I’ll just order a café con leche & sit, and if nothing else happens, at least I watched some beautiful dancing’. Soon, I’d be up dancing until my feet went numb, then skip happily home just like I did as a young girl after ballet class.

But the funny thing is, the next day, the same fear would arise again, and I’d have to repeat the whole process over again. I actually repeated this for months before I felt something start to change within me, before I felt that the courage I’d been practicing baby-step by baby-step had actually started to solidify something within me: self-confidence.

The take away: whatever you feel fearful about, there’s no need to surmount it all at once. Break it down into manageable pieces. Instead of ‘busting out of your comfort zone’ you can gently nudge your way out, in teeny, tiny steps. Getting there slowly but surely also allows the bravery to sink even more deeply into our cells.

2. Find Fellow Courageous Souls

I grew up in the performing arts - dance, theatre, music - where exploration, improvisation, & ‘bravely opening to the present moment’ were essential to the creative process. Looking back now, I see what a luxury it was to spend so much time with courageous, like-minded, artistic spirits. In this environment, where play & curiosity ruled, I felt safe to sneak out of my comfort zone, to express myself, & to be vulnerable. Indeed, it was a bit of a shock when I left the stage & started spending more time ‘in the real world’, where vulnerability & expressiveness were not quite so welcome! But still, I’m so thankful for that time I had to practice playing with fear, where the stakes were low & the support was high.

The take away: find even 1 kindred spirit who can support you on your brave journey. Maybe it’s just 1 person with whom you can really share your thoughts & feelings in a more vulnerable way. Maybe it’s someone who also wants to join a choir, a yoga class, or travel -  like you - and who appreciates the mutual support.  

3. Find Trustworthy Mentors

Spending lots of time in the dance studio as a young child, I definitely had my fair share of teachers who used negative reinforcement as their main teaching tool. ‘Stop doing it wrong’ was often the only instruction I received from the ballet mistress! But, every once in a while, I would encounter a teacher who would really inspire me to keep going, who saw my drive & passion, & who took the time to guide me in a helpful direction. It was like they were dropping breadcrumbs on the trail towards myself. They helped me trust in my own courage  - to be myself, to express myself, to dance in the way that only I can dance. I most certainly would not be the person I am today without these generous spirits.

The take away: The most important voice to listen to is the voice of our own wise, compassionate guide WITHIN. BUT, keep your spidey senses open for wise, trustworthy, kind mentors - people who are maybe just a little bit farther along on their own brave journey. They might be that one therapist who’s done their own work on vulnerability, making it easier for you to open up to yourself. They might be that one entrepreneur you admire who had enough confidence in their big idea to make a success of it. These mentors, alive or otherwise, can be such welcome lights when we’re lost in the darkness of our own fear.

4. Listen To & Learn From Your discomfort

The pain & discomfort that I was suffering in my 15 year marriage had to get pretty big before I was able to overcome my fears & finally decide that it was time to leave. I was deeply afraid of being on my own after being so long in a partnership. I feared that I would be viewed as a failure. I feared that I would never be in a relationship again. I feared for my financial security. Looking back on it, now almost 7 years on, I’m amazed that I even had these fears. I’m happier now than ever AND I feel so much stronger than I was back then.  The growth & bravery that I have built since that time are my hard-won & cherished treasure. 

The take away: Notice your discomfort & then ask yourself, ‘How can I heal myself from this pain?’ The answer might be scary, but does that mean that you shouldn’t do it? Our pain is telling us something, and if we don’t listen, instead of us growing, our pain grows. And so does our fear. This is not easy business. None of this is. But remember: courage, my love.

5. Set Yourself Up for Success

After my marriage ended, I wanted to travel again on my own, but I was so afraid. I hadn't travelled on my own for 15 years! Recognizing that I wouldn’t be able to ‘just get up & go’ to Buenos Aires or Machu Picchu (my 2 chosen destinations) without any support, I created some. 

I signed up with an indigenous tour company that led people through the Pervivan mountains to Machu Picchu, and I was accompanied by 5 fellow fear-busting, globe-trotting adventurers. Then, in Buenos Aires, I was recommended a kind, mothering, retired psychologist, who ran a ‘tango airbnb’. She went with me to my first few milongas, introduced me to her friends, and showed me around all the local hotspots. All of this helped me feel much less terrified of being on my own for the first time in a long time. I had the trip of a lifetime, and as you can see, it had a wee bit of an effect on me.

The take away: Afraid of cooking the holiday dinner for the first time to your future in-laws? Use a recipe! Fearful of giving a big company presentation? Sign up for public speaking classes ahead of time. Acknowledge what your fears are & what you need in order to be as comfortable as possible while simultaneously leaning into your fear.

6. You Can Always Take Baby Steps Back!

After travelling back and forth to Argentina for a few years, and I was contemplating ‘the big move’,  a dear friend kept reminding me that if it didn’t work out, I could always come back! This was extremely alleviating, allowing me keep things in perspective. I wasn't doing something that wasn’t reversible. Course corrections could always be built into my plan. And while I haven’t taken that friend up on their idea yet, I also have not closed any doors…

The take away: most things that we’re afraid of doing require a little bit of back & forth. No big deal. Maybe we’re afraid to go to therapy, and when we finally exhale & take the plunge, we end up not connecting with our therapist. But instead of giving up, we stay brave & we keep looking for the right fit. The same can be said about starting to date again after the ending of a relationship!!  It can take a while to find our feet in this new dating world, but remember darlings, we are brave!

7. Fear & Failure are an Inherent Part of Growth

For 20 years I had a successful business in Western Canada that I just adored.  I learned so much there about teaching, leadership, business, & community. I loved it all. But then, after a while, I could feel myself sitting still on top of a plateau - still producing, but not growing in the ways that my soul was asking for. I let this 'idling but not firing’ feeling sit there for quite a while before I really took it seriously. When I couldn’t contain it any longer, I made the decision, sold my business, moved to South America, and the rest is history. 

The take away: I believe that life is about growing. Growing means moving into the unknown. It means not always doing what we’re good at, and this means that, at times, we will fail & we will feel fear. Fear, failure, discomfort - this is all part of  growth. Being comfortable is wonderful, but being soooo comfortable that we’re not growing is not the natural order of things, IMHO. This is true for relationships, career, & for the evolution of our own individual selves as well as for our greater world.

8. What Happens if we DON’T?

As I wrote at the top of this post, I was scared to make big changes, but I was even more scared not to. I looked at my life on my plateau, on the prairie plains of Alberta, and saw a nice, safe life. But I didn’t see MY life. When I looked into this safe version of the future, I saw the life that I was supposed to have not being lived.

The take away: This point can be quite heavy. We have to seriously look at what happens if we don’t take that chance, if we don’t take that baby step, if we don’t trust in the courage that is always & already inside of us and listen within to what our soul is calling for. Asking ourselves ‘what is most meaningful to me?’ can be a great start. Maybe this means that we need to move through our fear so that we can truly deepen the intimacy & trust in our relationships . Maybe this means that we need to breathe through our fear so that we can express what’s truly in our heart.  

9. Fear is a Creation

I find it amazing that the biggest obstacle I face daily is my own mind. Every day I notice my racing mind, my catastrophising, & my fear-based fantasies of the future. 

Meditation & breathwork have been such powerful tools for helping me to take a step out of the 'soap opera’ of my life, so that I can see it from a bigger, less triggered, & more compassionate perspective. I love the image that in meditation there’s a sense of being able to notice our thoughts - fear, worry, dread - like clouds in the sky, but that we identify more with the sky than with the clouds. 

The take away: discover what habits & strategies we’ve developed  to avoid facing our fear.  Maybe we procrastinate, saying that we don’t have time to do  something that we’re actually afraid to do. Or maybe we talk ourselves into being more ‘realistic’ instead of following our dreams only because we fear failure. Mindfulness, therapy, & other forms of self reflection allow us to get to know ourselves, our habits, & our hiding places, and to confront them with kindness & curiosity. Mindfulness can be a place where we can meet our own inner warrior, who moves bravely forward, not fearless, but able to breathe through it all. 

10. Simple Self Care 

It’s amazing just how much our diet, sleep, & activity level affect our stress level. This should actually be #1 on this list because, before we get too far into micro-analyzing our fears, we should all first drink a tall glass of water, eat a wholesome meal, have a good long nap, then wake up to go for a peaceful hike in nature. Then, and only then, might it be a good idea to start looking our fear square in the eyes. 

The take away: Look at where you could include more self care in your life. In my case, I was always very active & a healthy eater, but I wasn’t getting enough sleep - and it showed. Organizing my life around getting more rest has made a huge improvement in how I handle fear & anxiety. For you, maybe it means just a few less minutes of screen time each day and a few more minutes of deep breathing before sleep. Maybe it means 1 less cookie a week and 1 more piece of fruit. When it comes to reducing stress through lifestyle, there is no such thing as a small change.

Fear is something that will always be with us. It’s like a familiar friend. While my relationship to fear has certainly become much less antagonistic, the fear itself has never left me. The tools & take-aways described here I still practice on the regular, because I need to! But it’s important to remember that we do all have the courageous warrior within us. We just need to practice breathing life into this warrior spirit while at the same time breathing into our fear. 

So how is living in Buenos Aires after 3 years?? I’m loving it!  I’m learning a lot, to say the least, which is what it’s all about for me. I highly recommend immersive travelling, aka spending more than just a few days or weeks in a new place, but really taking the time to sink into another culture. It’s opened my eyes, my head, & my heart, and taught me a lot about myself and how to gracefully move through fear. And yes, the tango is divino.